Things All Cats Do That Prove They Are Psychopaths

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Cats may look furry and adorable, but the truth is they are bloodthirsty, coldhearted murderers who live and sleep by your side. Here are all the things cats do that prove they are psychopaths.

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Consistently Score High On Triarchic Psychopathy Measure (TriPM)

Consistently Score High On Triarchic Psychopathy Measure (TriPM)

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On this self-report questionnaire, cats almost universally demonstrate high levels of antisocial behavior and indifference to the suffering of others.

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Purring During The ‘Challenger’ Explosion

Purring During The ‘Challenger’ Explosion

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Statistically, a large number of them were likely purring with complete detachment as seven innocent Americans lost their lives.

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Refusing To Wear The Cutest Little Bow Tie

Refusing To Wear The Cutest Little Bow Tie

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Only a creature devoid of compassion would struggle against and remove the perfect outfit before you can even get one fucking picture.

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Producing The ‘Starship Troopers’ Sequels

Producing The ‘Starship Troopers’ Sequels

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Discarding the self-awareness and dark parody of fascist themes that made the original worthwhile, cats made these movies not to say anything, but merely because they could.

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Bring You A Dead Houseguest

Bring You A Dead Houseguest

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Sure, it’s their way of showing affection, but did they have to rip your sister-in-law’s throat out and leave the bloody mess for you to clean up?

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Have Been Withholding Cure For Cancer For Thousands Of Years

Have Been Withholding Cure For Cancer For Thousands Of Years

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Cats have known how to cure cancer for millennia but have deliberately concealed this knowledge, even allowing themselves to die from the disease out of spite.

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They Don’t Cry During The Opening Scene Of ‘Up’

They Don’t Cry During The Opening Scene Of ‘Up’

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Only a creature devoid of emotion could keep it together while watching the part where Carl’s wife, Ellie, learns she is infertile.

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Multistate Killing Sprees

Multistate Killing Sprees

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Not all work their way coast to coast, but every cat cuts a swath of murder across at least a few state lines.

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Torture Prey By Staking Out Their Home, Calling At All Hours, Threatening Their Spouse, And Killing Their Child’s Pet Rabbit

Torture Prey By Staking Out Their Home, Calling At All Hours, Threatening Their Spouse, And Killing Their Child’s Pet Rabbit

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Before being placed on your pillow, that mouse will be psychologically broken.

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Live With A Loser Like You

Live With A Loser Like You

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They’d have to be pretty insane to live with a pathetic sad sack such as yourself.

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Target Young, Lonely Women

Target Young, Lonely Women

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Like every psychopath, cats seek out lonely young women and manipulate them to get what they want.

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Writing Threatening Messages On The Foggy Bathroom Mirror While You Shower

Writing Threatening Messages On The Foggy Bathroom Mirror While You Shower

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Too many cat owners have emerged from the shower to see “Die” written over their own reflection.

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Laughing In The Face Of The Grizzled Detective Interrogating Them

Laughing In The Face Of The Grizzled Detective Interrogating Them

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But he’ll be damned if he’s gonna let them get away with this.

Voting For Joe Biden

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Expecting meaningful change by voting for moderate candidates in an endless cycle of harm reduction is truly unhinged behavior.

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Approach You To Join Sea Org

Approach You To Join Sea Org

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Cats often use their furry cuteness to manipulate owners into signing the infamous billion-year contract and joining Scientology’s maritime fraternal order captained by David Miscavige.

Having Kittens

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Only a monster would bring offspring into a doomed world.

Becoming Domesticated

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Cats only let humans tame them 10,000 years ago as part of a weird psychosexual power game.

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Spend 14 Years Loving You And Keeping You Company And Then One Day Just Die

Spend 14 Years Loving You And Keeping You Company And Then One Day Just Die

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Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with them?

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You’ve Made It This Far…

You’ve Made It This Far…